 AgentQ: Shemp scores tickets to Lollapalooza. Moe grabs them, sets them alight and shoves them up Shemp's nostrils. Shemp tears off Moe's testicles and feeds them to him. Ah, classic Stooges. |  Meldrick: Most people's conscience was just a little angel who sat on their shoulder and dispensed advice. Moe's was a 300 pound bounty hunter who kept screaming 'YOU GONNA TAKE THAT? TAKE 'EM OUT!" | Hippie: Just as the aging chemical Larry dropped in Moe's coffee takes effect, Shemp comes in and yodels until Moe's brains ooze out his ears. Classic Stooges, mama.  Hippie: Shave Tommy Chong, dress him like a sellout, then waft just enough marijuana smoke in his face so he can get the craving but never really buzz. Ahh, you Classic Stooges, you kings of cruelty.  Reynard_T_Fox: Moe runs up the wall and flips over, catching the stuffy businessman's head between his legs on the way down, and snapping his neck with a quick twist. All to pulsing techno music, of course. Classic Stooges  Meldrick: Moe carves the words "THE END" in Larry's face with a rusty knife, and burns the words "THE FACE" on his ass with a branding iron. Classic Stooges!  Generik: At least seven or eight times a day Dan has to physically restrain his tongue from moving out and renting a condo in Atlantic City for a weekend.  Hippie: Most of the people who showed up for Stoogestock didn't even have tickets. They just came with a heart full of violence and a dream of gouging someone's eyes out and boxing their ears.  Reynard_T_Fox: "Gentlemen, stucco." GersonK: "That's right, Phillips. It's a map of your mama's butt. I expect you to have that form 99A/57 admittance of burnage on my desk by 1900."  Jazzsoda: Jesus, this broad wouldn't quit, she even followed Dan to work! He doesn't know if he wants fries with it, lady! He doesn't know!  Hippie: Bob's eating always attracted a crowd. I wish I could've seen him in the early days, just eating for friends. But no, I was forced to see him eat in Madison Square Garden, standing room only.  KINGDINOSAUR: Hot on the heels of STDs is the Black Condom in his Convertible  HanoverF: Herb doesn't know it yet, but he's giving one of the *batteries not included saucers a handjob  Generik: "Maaracas! Who likes maracas? YOU do! Everybody does! Come on, let's shake it, everybody! MAAA-RAAA-CAAAAASSSS!!! Uh... and in world news tonight, the shooting in Lebanon continues..."  Reynard_T_Fox: "See, Smithers? I *told* you the Spruce Moose could get us to Siam in under thirty hours!" "Sir, this is Pennsylvania. And how do we get out of here?"  HanoverF: .oO(Indy's gonna get such a hoot out of motherfucking Reggie in my motherfucking plane)  Jazzsoda: "A high-quality kitchen helmet can stop a flaming roast traveling up to 70 miles per hour and deflect the kick of a mule. But watch out for-" *MICE*  Reynard_T_Fox: "This? Oh, it's actually a dark halo, signifying my position as an anti-cherubim in the Hellly Host. Now let's make snickerdoodles!"  HanoverF: She's part shark, If she doesn't have a costume change every five minutes, she dies  Hippie: So that's why Jackie was in such a hurry to get out of the car when her husband was shot! She had a roast in the oven! AgentQ: "And we work the dough thoroughly..." *knead knead knead* "God, I wish I had some valium." *need need need*  Generik: Getting a bit of a Kitchen Helmet-On there. Of course, everyone gets excited when they discover leftover tapioca in the fridge.  JoeCrow: Roadkill..... It's not just for breakfast anymore  HanoverF: This Kobe beef has dishonored its family, and now will be served to Harry Carry *CHOKES*  Meldrick: "The best part of cooking with old washed up rappers is the conversation pieces that come up, like Humpty-Hump's nose here. Be a dear and pass the Young MC, would you?"  Generik: Linda Blair could ruin a perfectly good white blouse faster than any girl in her school.  Reynard_T_Fox: And here's where the cow's stepfather extinguished his cigar. Yep, nothing brightens up a meal like abused meat.  Jazzsoda: "Nice thing about pamphlets is that they only take a few minutes to write. Call now for this hour's work: 'Uncooked Meat: The Silent Killer,' and 'It's The Other Kind of Stake That Kills Vampires'."  AgentQ: Slipperyest jigsaw puzzle ever. Hippie: That's him, officer, no doubt. That cow was counting cards at the casino when Louie and Reg escorted her to the back room. That's the last time I saw her. *Good god, throw the sheet over that, Sarge.  AgentQ: Next month's feature: NOT TOO BAD, HOW 'BOUT YOURSELF? by Eleanor Boykin's Bank Teller.  Jazzsoda: World cuisine finally made it to Croakie, Idaho, but only made it so far as chopsticks in a glass of Guiness. You take what you can get.  Jazzsoda: "Saaay, you ladies need some worldly guys to teach you how to drink with chopsticks?"  AgentQ: Bill watched in horror as Leo absorbed Melinda. "You don't understand," Leo said, "but this is how I take nourishment." The explanation did little to soothe Bill's nerves.  Reynard_T_Fox: "Truly this must be the one true grail!" "The Dixie cup in the flower vase with the party straws?" "Trust me, I know my Jesus." *FACEMELT*  Jazzsoda: "Weeell, sir, in order for the vertical stripes to be slimming they really need to be on YOU, see..." "Mmm. Hungry." "You look great. I'll show myself out."  Reynard_T_Fox: With each passing hour, braving the electrified fence and razor wire became more attractive to Jim.  Hippie: Ray's one-man show, "Ray: Nude With Attitude," was the longest running show the apartment had ever had!  HanoverF: Invisible woman likes to get her jollies buy making the walls transparent while you try to develop film, of couse she got the idea from Superman, the dick  Hippie: Even though Greg was deaf, at least he could read lips.  AgentQ: It's about time! All this time, I've been handing out reels to my students, letting them stare at the frames, and wondering why the lessons never seemed to sink in!  Hippie: Early test audiences really saved Citizen Kane. *Yuck! Less explaining exactly how a battery works, science freaks! *Yeah! More sleds, goddammit!  Jazzsoda: "And now, class, a demonstration about classroom safety." *class thrown forward into wall at 60mph*  AgentQ: "Yes, you look quite fuckable. Come with me, please." "What? Who are--?" *chloroform*  Jazzsoda: Little Christian asswipe Joey always wore a big "CL" on the back of his shirt just in case this ever happened. Let's get him!  Hippie: The brain trust running Alta Vista has been scaled down a bit in recent years. *Hey, Myrtle? *Yeah, Frank? *Google sucks a nut, don't it? *Yeah, Frank.  Jazzsoda: "Why, Mr Clean! I hardly recognized you with all that stubble!" *erases chalkboard with face* "Why, golly! You're new and improved!" |