 Meldrick: The Paper Vampire was another failed Kolchack spec script. |  GersonK: But I only had one chalupa! It was an accident! Sheesh, one poorly timed gas attack during a funeral and you're nicknamed for life... |  Reynard_T_Fox: Unfortunately, only Nate was Kung Fu Fighting. Awkwaaaaard...  GersonK: "Fucking bargain basement vampire stakes. Tore my cuticle like a bitch." Generik: "Damn, Ripper, that's a new low even for you. Did you use a knife and fork to cut that one?" Shifter: Carl tried not scream in terror as another layer of his lap sloughed onto the floor.  Reynard_T_Fox: Oh shoot, I gotta go there before I go out tonight to pick up some good excuses for striking up conversation with that girl I've had my eye on.  Jazzsoda: Kind of scary, the way Tony can tell what Carl had for lunch. Yesterday. Just by smelling his wake.  Artanas: "10 years! 10 goddamn years and all I got was a chamoise?!"  JediClone: Payroll never knew what to do with Carl's timesheets. He always signed in at "The Witching Hour" and out at "The Break Of A Hopeful New Dawn".  Hippie: GO GO GO! GO GO SPEED KOLCHAK! SEERSUCKER DEMON ON WHEELS! *Wonder who's singing that song. And why it sounds like a monkey's in my trunk. AgentQ: One year earlier: "What color you want the car, Mr. Kolchak?" "Well, I get attacked by lots of slime monsters while driving, so you might as well make it slime-colored." "I hate you so very much."  Jazzsoda: No... Kolchak... you gotta hold the Wii controller like... turn it... just give me... give me the... YOU FUCKING LOST AT TENNIS, OKAY?  Seltaeb: If the release of the Fred Durst sex tape didn't ruin the good name of celebrity sex tapes, then Kolchak's sex tape did.  Hippie: Kolchak's experiment to install a Murphy bed in his Dodge Dart ended in bloodshed.  Artanas: "Do you like to draw? Paint? Rub linseed oil down the crack of your ass while staring at the boyscouts perfectly preserved in brine juice in your basement?"  Hippie: Carl, that story on the lesbian werewolf is full of type-Os... hey, how the hell can you play Tetris on that thing? *Shh! I need a long thing with a thing on the end!  Jazzsoda: Carl! Dude, the sign! Take off your smock! Nevermind, they already got it on tape... or an off-brand ping pong paddle, same difference.  Seltaeb: No more honeymoon stories, Carl. Please. "But then I put three in--" Stop!!  Generik: "Give me Liberty or Pora. It's our motto. I dunno, it's Latin or some damn language. Why?"  Hippie: The Kolchak and Shirley Show was only funny until he punched her right in the grill for harboring leprechauns in her cereal box.  Artanas: "I am NOT doughy, I'm just thick skinned" SunSinner: But, really, with such a pretty smile like that she doesn't even need flashy bling.  GizM: A proposed spinoff, Kolchack and the Truth Snake, didn't fare too well.  Reynard_T_Fox: Oh shit, if you say "David Wells" one more time he's gonna come out of that mirror...and crash on your sofa, I guess.  Seltaeb: Even Lincoln has to "free the slaves" every so often, if you know what I mean.  Reynard_T_Fox: "Carl? Carl! We have a massage parlor prostitution bust going on here! Ladies of the night! That we've stalked and caught! Right up your alley!" "Pshaw. So vulgar. Now where's that succubus.."  Shanky: "We've never done it with live animals before. Is it sanitary?"  SunSinner: .o(I get my kicks above the headline, sunshine)  Reynard_T_Fox: Man, look at that giant red notice on his calendar. How many anniversaries do you suppose he's forgotten?  Shifter: She was half woman, ALL condominium! Only in theaters: Day of the Dorisplex!  Seltaeb: "Interesting list of positions... what's a reverse cowgirl? And what's a fast-forward cowgirl?"  E_B_A: "Well! Like my computer?" "That's your shoe..." "It's got a mouse!" "You just took a regular mouse and plugged it into your shoe!" "Wanna see my porn? It's all foot fetish stuff." "I'm leaving..."  E_B_A: "Mom! They have doctors for this kind of thing... it's sick and embaressing..." "Just hurry up and tell me if you find any lumps..." "Gag... okay..."  GersonK: Every morning Karl slips on the puddle of sweat and desperation by his bed.  Reynard_T_Fox: *police car rolls by* "HELP! Vampire bat stuck on my wrist!" *police car peels out*  Jazzsoda: Carl's ability to "taste" fruit with his taint led to most of the single women in the city filing pre-emptive divorce papers.  Hippie: Hello, Mr. Kolchak. We from the Presidential Council on Dairy Items are not pleased with your expose on cow doping. Do you like your ice cream, Mr. Kolchak? keogh: "Nope. The Night said he'd had it. Couldn't take any more of you calling him in the middle of himself, drunk and telling him he's beautiful. Turned himself in this morning right after he got off shift."  Reynard_T_Fox: "*sniff* Bless me."  GersonK: "It'll just be a moment while I recharge my nipple."  JediClone: Only Carl could actually get "tied up with a phonecall"  E_B_A: "I've got to find that Little Orphan Annie Decoder Ring before Ralphie does or he will translate the Necronomicon and destroy us all!"  Seltaeb: "But I have to reply to all my fan mail!" "They're all addressed to Ringo." "That's... uh... my middle name!"  Hippie: A valentine! And Carl always thought the Night hated him! Ooo... we'll call our kids Opaque and Carl's Jr.!  GersonK: '"Hmm, let's see, Monday's a doctor's appointment. Tuesday I'm hunting the Sumatran Kangaroo, Wednesday I'm stalking the night all day, Thursday's league night, and Friday I'm sobbing softly to myself  keogh: "I've got a recipe from WWII that uses shoe laces instead of meat." Carl hated doing human interest stories.  Shanky: Hitchcock and Kolchak in "Cock and Chak".  Hippie: Kolchak's blackface was only meant to be a disguise to help him in his stalking, but it was too late--the Night was terribly offended.  Shanky: "Eddie Rabitt? Awe , shit! We in trouble now!" "It's a rainy night, bitches and you KNOW how much I love a rainy night!"  GersonK: Karl learns the hard way not to re-microwave the unpopped kernels.  E_B_A: As a child, Janet Reno often liked to put a bag of flaming dog shit on a neighbor's porch.
|  Shifter: If there was once thing Carl hated out printing retractions, it was having to eat crow. |